MARLER: The comprehensive list of candidates (kinda) perfect for Texas A&M job

By Chris Marler

Texas A&M has always prided themselves on their traditions. 

Class rings. Yell practice. Milkman cosplay and jazz hands. I’m pretty certain that last one has a different name on campus, but you know what I meant.

Their newest tradition isn’t nearly as fun as any of those things—hiring a new head coach. 

The Aggies will once again start their offseason without a trophy, without a title, and without a head coach. Hiring a new head coach is never fun—especially for the third time in 18 months. It stings even more when one’s buyout would’ve bankrupted a small country, another left for your arch-rival, and all three have hilariously unprofessional sounding names. 

Jimbo, Schloss, and Buzz? Those don’t sound like names in a media guide, they sounds like names from members at a Moose Lodge. Nevertheless, I wanted to help out during this trying time. So, I have come up with a long and comprehensive list of candidates I want to see hired strictly for my own personal entertainment at Texas A&M’s expense. 

You’re welcome. 

1. Jimbo Fisher

OK, HEAR ME OUT. Maybe he just needs a second chance and a second sport. Positives? He would probably do it for cheap since he’s living off some “retirement” money. He also played in Nick Saban’s coaching staff pick up games. Does he know self-awareness or play calling? No, but he’s a great recruiter.

We love a redemption story.

2. Mike Elko

I know this sounds crazy, but I don’t think he’d say no. That guy loves to coach and seems like he’d do anything for that school in College Station. Does he have a basketball background? I don’t know. Is he shaped like a bag of basketballs is being hidden under his hoodie? Yes. So, that’s at least a start. 

Plus, coaching two sports may sound crazy, but it was pretty common 50-70 years ago. Shug Jordan, John Heisman, and John Wooden all coached multiple sports at the same time. Why? Because for some reason schools ran their athletic departments like a restaurant who was down two servers on Saturday night. Sorry Shug, I know you have the Iron Bowl on Saturday but Melanie called in sick, so we need you to work a double and cover her shift. 

3. Rodney Terry

To be clear—this would be a terrible hire. But, my God would it also be the most hilarious “revenge” hire possible. Also, he’d be super motivated considering Texas just fired him. Texas and Texas A&M’s rivalry is already dysfunctional enough. Let’s add more to the mix. 

4. One of the Yell Leaders

If anyone knows how to block out the outside noise and social media negativity it’s those Brads. 

5. Tim Walz

Aren’t you at least a little intrigued about him being a coach after he talked about it so much during election season? I am. Also, by his own admission he ran a “mean pick six play” in football. I bet you anything if you gave him a white board he could draw up a “mean alley oop dribble dunk slam shot” like it’s nothing. 

6. Reveille 

Listen I just feel like we need dogs to be more involved in everything. Plus, the older I get and more “America’s Got talent” I watch, the more I think Air Bud might not have been as unrealistic as some people suggested. 

7. The Rock 

That guy doesn’t say no to anything. Plus you’d be the most physical team in the country by a landslide. Not to mention adding a Haka dance to the pregame choreographed cheers would be way cooler that the finger gun stuff from the yell leaders. 

And finally, the “Netflix since you enjoy this, we recommend this” approach 

Finally if none of those candidates do anything for the Aggie powers that be, don’t fret. 

I compiled a list of the names of every head coach for all 364 D1 teams and narrowed it down to 19 potential candidates. No resumés or win-loss records were looked at because honestly what good has that done for you before? Instead it’s solely based on vibes, names of previous hires (Buzz, Jimbo, and Jim Schlossnagle), and the track record of Texas A&M as a whole.

Based on everything I’ve learned it’s clear that names with Z’s, names that sound like nicknames of retirees at an American Legion, and names that sound or are spelled with big church camp cult vibes are a must. I broke them down into four categories. 

Names that have a Z in it and/or sound like a lisp

• Josh Schertz – St. Louis 
• John Andrzejek – Campbell
• TJ Otzelberger – Iowa State
• Cuonzo Martin – Missouri State
• Micah Schrewsberry – Notre Dame 

Names that sound like a verb

• Zach Spiker – Drexel 
• Shaka Smart – Marquette 

Names that just sound or are spelled with big Aggie vibes

• Daniyal Robinson – North Texas (Denial?!)
• Wayne Tinkle – Oregon State 
• Chris Kraus – Stonehill 
• Matt McKillop – Davidson
• Tad Boyle – Colorado 

Old Men at an American Legion/Moose Lodge Names

• Darrell Walker – Little Rock
• Lennie Acuff – Lipscomb 
• Phil Cunningham – UL Monroe 
• Ronnie Thomas – Longwood 
• Stan Johnson – Loyola 
• Dusty May – Michigan 
• Bart Lundy – Milwaukee 

The answer? TJ Otzelberger from Iowa State. He fits at least three of the categories.

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