Winning & Boozing: Orange Overalls, Real Housewives and SEC Week 4

By Chris Marler

Welcome back, friends!

After a six year hiatus, Winning & Boozing is back. Every week we will give previews and predictions for games, and tell you exactly what alcoholic beverage you’ll need for the tailgate. And we’ll do it in the least journalistic way possible. Enjoy!

Arkansas at Auburn

It would only make sense to resurrect Winning & Boozing in time for what is arguably the drunkest game in the SEC every year. Arkansas-Auburn is like a Temu brand Florida-LSU. It’s football’s version of a Real Housewives reunion episode on Bravo: a three hour sh*t show with very little at stake and a ton of hilarity and entertainment.

And there’s average-to-below-average football and great storylines everywhere. Two disgraced offensive gurus rising from the ashes in the middle of somewhere between their second to seventh chance at redemption and coaching rehab. These are two offenses with a ton of explosiveness and potential. But also two of the most turnover prone teams in the entire conference, combining for 13 turnovers already. These are two teams that should honestly be undefeated if it weren’t for Antonio Brown levels of self-sabotage.

Winning this game will come down to two things: running the football and getting out of your own way. Arkansas quarterback Taylen Green and running back Ja’Quinden Jackson are combining for over 7.3 yards per carry, with Jackson at a staggering 8.5 ypc. Auburn gave up over six yards per carry a week ago to New Mexico. Give me the Hogs.

Winning: Arkansas 33 Auburn 31

Boozing: Vodka & Red Kool-Aid. Specifically non-potato based vodka like Smirnoff or Grey Goose because the sight and sound of anything potato related still triggers a lot of Bryan Harsin PTSD on the Plains.

Normally I wouldn’t recommend mixing vodka with kool-aid to any self-respecting adult. However, it is delicious, Sam Pittman could one thousand percent cosplay as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween, and if there’s one thing Auburn fans love to do, it’s drink the kool-aid of their own irrational and unrealistic expectations every single August.

Florida at Mississippi State 

This game feels like a punishment. Like when they torture prisoners at Gitmo with 24 hours of one Britney Spears song. That pales in comparison to making Billy Napier coach himself into unemployment.

Amazingly enough Florida isn’t even the biggest sh*t show that will take the field. Mississippi State is 1-2, but they’re arguably the most hilarious and embarrassing 1-2 in the country. One loss was at the hands of a white running back named “Scatteboo” who went for 265 yards against State, and the other was to Toledo. Toledo. In those two games, the Bulldogs were outscored in the first half by a combined score of 55-6. Florida will win the first half, they will win the game, and then Billy Napier will somehow manage to still lose the fanbase even more.

Winning: Florida 28 Mississippi State 17

Boozing: Bloody Mary with Tito’s Vodka. And, I don’t mean the brand. I mean Tito, the homeless guy outside the Shell station off MLK. Because whoever loses this game is about to hit a new rock bottom. Just take his instead of buying your own bottle, that way you can save your money for the buyout.

USC at Michigan 

USC is actually good. Not like Lincoln Riley good where they can score 45 a game but will give up 50 at least twice a year. Like actually good. I think Riley finally had enough of being cyber bullied over his brisket and decided to get defensive on his roster instead of online.

Michigan is not good, and–I never thought I would type this out–it doesn’t matter how good that Orji is. They aren’t going to reach the same climax this season as they did the last few.

Winning: USC 28 Michigan 13

Boozing: Corked red wine. Hell, make it a 2005 Silver Oak Cab too. Why? Well, 2005 was a phenomenal vintage for cabs in general, these two teams haven’t played each other since around then, and because having such a recognizable brand and label masking an inferior product inside is something both these programs know a thing or two about.

It’s crazy how different things “taste” when your grapes can’t spy on other vineyards before they’re bottled and shipped. Weird.

Utah at Oklahoma State

Mormons vs the Mullet. Print the shirts. These two teams feature QBs who have been in college longer than Stetson Bennett, Hunter Renfrow, and like 40 percent of U.S. Congressman. This country needs three things: term limits for politicians, that Hawk Tuah girl being relevant, and Big 12 quarterbacks who are closer to prostate exams than midterm exams.

Winning: Oklahoma State 27 Utah 23

Boozing: A Bud Light bottle poured into a 44 ounce styrofoam roadie. Why? Because that seems like exactly what Mike Gundy would do after he jokingly outed himself at Big 12 media days for drinking and driving “thousands of times.” Also it has to be in the biggest styrofoam soda cup you can find because if there’s anything this Secret Life of Mormon Wives show on Hulu has taught me it’s that Mormons love soda like an unreasonable amount.

(Side note: substituting a daily liter of Cola like some morally antiquated version of Officer Farva since you’re not allowed to drink coffee is possibly the most illogical part of that entire religion. And that’s saying something.)

Tennessee at Oklahoma

Through three games, Tennessee has outscored its opponents by an average of 59.3 points per game and outgained them by 478.7 yards. And, if you thought Vol Twitter was coldblooded, last week Josh Heupel kicked an onside kick while up 30-0 in the first quarter. Tennessee is headed to Norman to send a message, and they are going to absolutely embarrass the league’s newest member on national television. Remember OU fans, y’all signed up for this. Bless your heart.

Winning: Tennessee 34 Oklahoma 20

Boozing: Beam and coke. Because 90 percent of both these fanbases seem like the kind of person that says, “I can’t drink brown liquor” or “whiskey makes me fight.” No, you’re just an a**hole. And that’s fine. It’s been a rough couple of 26 years. But, mixing mid-shelf brown liquor and a 3 liter bottle of off brand cola didn’t turn you into an absolute liability when in public. I mean for God’s sake, you showed up in a pair of 4XL orange overalls with no shirt on under it. And, that was when you were sober.